Monday, December 7, 2009

The Hardest Decision I've Ever Made

It was an intensely emotional weekend for Monica and me...

Last Monday I made the final decision not to pursue being a missionary to Ireland at this point in my life. Unfortunately, this means Monica will not be going either, even though she has had her heart set on it for over a year now. The hardest part of the hardest decision I've made is knowing it is taking a huge dream away from my wife. Seeing her in pain has torn me apart this week and I don't like it. I want to do everything I can to take her pain away. I want to give her a new dream, buy her something really expensive, do something to lessen the pain. I want to do that for her pain, but I also want to do that for mine. If she hurts, I feel like a failure. One thing I can do now is refuse to withdraw and leave her alone in this, I want to be the best husband I can. One thing I can do now is refuse to withdraw from myself and instead take care of what is going on inside me.

For our story to dramatically change like this is unsettling, to pick a highly understated term. To exit a story of taking God's redeeming power to a land that has forgotten so much about an almighty God, is extremely difficult. As much as we will still play a role in this mission, it is not the role we imagined or dreamed. We formed relationships on the Dublin team in which we invested more spiritually and emotionally than ever before, and we saw the team raising our children and being an awesome cloud of witnesses to us and our kids. It hurts deep down to not be on this team. I wish I could take away that hurt in us and the team, but I can't...

I know you may not want us to feel this hurt either. When we tell people we are not going, we get that not-sure-how-to-respond look, and that's okay, because we don't know how to respond right now. We are grieving this right now, and will for a while. It is raw right now and it hurts in so many places. I ask that you just love us right now by being our friends. We will be okay, but we are going through it right now and not hiding from it. This is the hardest decision I've ever made...


  1. Well, I'm sorry to hear that. I know it's trite, but I know how deeply it can hurt to make a decision like this, even when you believe it's for the best.

    You guys will be in my prayers.

  2. Sometimes there are no "right" decisions. It pisses me off too because all that time I spent in school told me that there must be one correct answer to every question.

    There's not a lot to say that won't come out sounding like a platitude.

    This sucks. I know it hurts. I'm sorry. Call if you need anything. Seriously.