Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Walken '08!!

My dreams have come true! Christopher Walken is running for president. I promise you I think I am not joking. I am really looking forward to his campaign. It’s about time that we have somebody fun run for president.

Check out his website here. I personally like to read everything with his voice in mind. If he actually shows up on a ticket in 2008, I might have to give him my vote. I think he could win just by using his evil stare to intimidate people to vote for him.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Valentine's Horror

My wife made an awesome Valentine's Dinner for me on Tuesday night. It was toasted ravioli with salad, and a piece of pecan pie (my absolute favorite). We ate at our table with some pretty heart shaped candles and our nice crystal candles. After that we cuddled up and watched TV and stayed up until 1 AM because Gilmore Girls came on at midnight. Sounds like a perfect night, but bad things always happen on "perfect nights."?

Monica went to bed and I decided to take Cali to pee in the front yard because the backyard was muddy. Cali, being the wild beast that she is, found a dead bird amongst some leaves and ate it! I tried to stop her, but to no avail—she took care of that bird, that poor dead bird. In the intense struggle, I touched the dead bird in her mouth and felt like I needed a good hand washing. I washed my hands in the bathroom quite compulsively to get the obsessive thoughts of contracting the bird flu out of my mind. I then remembered I had some hand sanitizer in the car. "I'll be right back,"? I muttered to myself and to my sleeping wife Monica. In horror movie language, that means I'm gonna get axed. I go outside, get in the car, and sanitize my hands. As I am getting out of the car I see it . . .

I freaked out because I left the front door open and I was sure whoever had something to do with it was in my house killing my wife. I run inside, my heart beating and my adrenaline pumping and nothing. No man, no sound, just my wife sleeping like an angel. I say, "Oh my goodness, baby, there is a homeless person bike in our front yard on the other side of my truck."? "What are you talking about?"? she says. "There is a bike in our front yard and it is 1:30 in the morning."? She immediately runs to the window to look at the bike while I am freaking out—what if the scary bike owner is lurking around our house? What if he has been watching my every move? I called the police station—“An adult bike is in my yard, can you send a patrol car?"? They said yes and we waited and waited.

All of the sudden my wife yells at me with a whisper, "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, some man just got on the bike and is riding off, come look."? I looked, but I missed him, but apparently he came from somewhere across the street, got on his bike and drove off down the middle of the street. I call the cops back and tell them they don't have to send anybody. They send two cars by anyway (10 minutes later) and shine their lights around, but no scary bike man in sight!

What did scary bike man want? Where did he come from? Why a bike? We have two hypotheses: 1. Having a secret affair or 2. Smoking and/or purchasing the reefer (marijuana for you older readers) from the guys (late teenage boys) who smoke the weed across the street. The bike—we can't figure out, but it was parked in our yard, next to my truck, at 1:30 AM.

And Justin, your challenge is to comment in a way that makes sense to others.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Exemption: DENIED, Drugs, and Shooting the Elderly

I thought checking the box for jury exemption that said I was a student would somehow exempt me from federal jury duty—No such luck! Apparently, even though you can claim that exemption, "There is no legal basis"? to grant me that exemption (at least that is what my denial letter said). Oh well, I will just have to serve my government by the freedom they extend to me by requiring me to serve on a federal jury. I'm sure I signed up for this somewhere, just like Iraq signed up to be a democracy (they might tap my phones for that comment).

Fortunately, my jury duty falls in the month of March when I have two weeks "off"? of school. So, I can't complain too much at all. Who knows, I might even find myself on the trial against my ex-drug using neighbor who was evicted, but since then has "upped her level of crime"? (presumably to get drugs)—at least that is what the sheriffs outside our house told us Thursday. I am talking about the suspiciously quiet people who rented the house next door and stole their air conditioners to get more drug money, not Floyd, our 90-year-old neighbor who is about the best neighbor anyone could have.

Speaking of old people. . . when the news came out that VP Cheney shot someone while hunting, I thought it was so funny that on our news that they said, "VP Cheney shot an elderly man while hunting quail yesterday."? True, he shot his hunting partner who was 72 years old, so I guess he did shoot an elderly man, but the news made it sound as if Cheney was hunting too close to an old folks home and shot some old guy on his scooter. However, I have to give News Channel 5 some points for the clever angle they took, Bravo!

Tuesday, February 7, 2006

1 out of 5 stars for the Super Bowl

The Super Bowl was a disaster. The commercials stunk, the halftime show stunk (unless you are a Rolling Stone fan, but maybe even then), and on top of that, the game wasn’t really that exciting. I hate Diet Pepsi now because of their sub-par commercial spots. wins the award for the most tasteless, unfunny, and vulgar commercial. Cadillac Escalade wins for most car commercial time. Bud Light was the only beer that even cared to advertise besides Budweiser. I expected more out of the monkey commercials. Yes, there were other commercials, but they don’t deserve any awards because they just weren’t that great, kind of like the game and half time show.

Here are my changes: Let me and some friends screen the commercials for the next Super Bowl. Ban from ever advertising again. Require more beer companies to put out commercials. For halftime, quit with putting up a singer or group up that is only chosen because they are too old to cause any ruckus. Super Bowl halftime shows should be about putting the best show together with a whole host of performers that don’t have grandchildren my age. That doesn’t put Tom Petty out of the running, but he wouldn’t be a part of the Super Bowl anyway, because he doesn’t take part in things that are purely about advertising and corporate sponsorship. Have both teams bribe the refs instead of just one team, like the Steelers, so the game will be worth watching. These are just a few changes I would suggest for a better Super Bowl experience.

Thursday, February 2, 2006

State of the Marital Union

Inspired by the recent State of the Union Address by W, we (as in Ben) thought we would have a State of the Marital Union Address. Please feel free to stand up and clap after every few statements to draw this entry out as long as possible. It’s been a great year of marriage and the outlook appears to be great.

Our economy started slow and fluctuated last year (2005), requiring us to go into a major deficit, but we are taxing ourselves more now to pay off that debt. By the middle of this year, we plan on balancing our budget and getting rid of our debt. Hopefully our economy will be out of the red in 2006. Although, there is fear on the horizon, as the Bonneville is showing signs of breakdown.

We have now won the War on Terror. If you’ve had a puppy, you know what I mean. Occurrences of sock suicide missions are down, and the enemy (Cali) has been subdued. We are now enjoying a time of peace with our perfect little puppy. An agreement has been reached with Cali that if we pay attention to her and scratch under her chin, she will hold back her attacks.

The No Child Left Behind is a tremendous success, as we have no child to leave behind.

Overall, last year was a good year. Just like the State of the Union, we rose tint everything in our clever rhetoric. However, I think that is what we need to do in marriage—look back and remember our successes and strengths. So, the State of the Marital Union gives us great hope in the future and fond memories of the past. There is every indication that we should continue to strive on towards a more perfect union.