We're Branching Out

Benica are spreading their branches into their own online presences. This may mean the end of the blog you are reading right now, or we may occasionally still update this one--it's all up in the air right now. In other words, make this low on the list of blogs you check. File this in the quarterly blog check category.

Ben will be at benthompsoncanchange.com. It is a blog aimed at inspiring action and change, to overtake the status quo and live life with purpose and meaning. It will chronicle his efforts towards creating a fulfilling life. This is his launch into professional blogging.

Monica is focusing on how she wants to achieve world domination through staging. Her blog is at stagingbym.wordpress.com. She is sharing her expertise and passion for staging and will bring some great ideas for your own staging projects. She's planning on doing some consults online by accepting pictures of rooms from readers like you. It's going to be a lot of fun!

Keep up with both of us for all the fun and excitement. You may even want to put both our blogs on the screen together and read them at the same time with different eyes!

Merry Christmas, Blog Readers!

Love, Ben, Monica & Cali

Stay tuned in 2011 for an exciting announcement regarding our blog!

A Friday Quickie!

At lunch today
Monica: I really need to find a new hairdresser, I'm starting to look Amish.
Ben: Hmmm...
Monica: Ugh, I even have split ends.
Ben: You're just now noticing?
(Ben has no idea what split ends are.)

What the Art?!
A few weeks ago we (mostly Ben) painted our living room and dining room a light gray and it turned out great! I was in the process of reaccessorizing and came across a metal wall art piece that was 50% off at Hobby Lobby.

I held it up for Ben to see and he described it as "dreadful." In my defense, I wasn't sure about it from the get-go. I proceeded to drag Ben kicking and screaming to Garden Ridge where we picked out a piece of art that was much more our style.

Cali Update
Our poor puppy was doing fantastic on her raw diet until we had a minor set back while traveling over Thanksgiving. She's been pretty scratchy since then, but I think a b-a-t-h (that's how we say it when she's around) this weekend will help a lot. Also, she has transitioned to her "winter bed" and spends most of her time doing this...

So do any other hubbys out there actually know what split ends are? Any couples ever run into a decorating dilemma with wall art? I'm pretty sure we have the cutest, and laziest puppy in the world! Enjoy your December, "Christmas month" weekend!

"A Ravenous Wolf"

Ben recently informed me that this is the other definition of his name besides "son of my right hand" - I think it fits! He is my favorite person in this world & I would like to wish him an amazing 30th birthday! Here are 10 of my favorite things about this guy...

1. His solo interpretive dancing skills
2. How he can invent games at will with random objects
3. Being a fantastic daddy to Cali
4. How he sings Carol of the Bells with me in barks & meows
5. Even after 7 yrs, we still have our own couple language
6. His introspective thought process
7. When we walk up stairs, he spanks my butt (usually at church)
8. His FD (final decision) skills
9. How he secretly loves to cuddle every night in bed
10. He's my sugar daddy & works hard to provide for our little family

 

I love you, b!

Packin' Heat Like an NFL Player at a Nightclub

9 PM Last night
Ben:  We need to start packing for tomorrow.
Monica:  You know how I pack.  I don't feel like it tonight.
Ben:  You know what I like to do when I don't want to pack?
Monica:  DANCE!
Ben:  Exactly!

I then proceeded to dance, solo as usual, to a Genius Playlist on the iPhone, starting with the song Hangin' Around by Counting Crows, for the next 30 minutes. One of the advantages of having all wood floors is that the dancing can carry on to any room! Monica read her book about a girl who apparently mutilated herself with tattoos of dragons (What?!?! No vampires!). Finally, we went to bed...unpacked!

I've Got a Bad Case of Lovin' for You

Post Lunch Conversation
Monica: You really need to give me more positive reinforcement for all the times I get water instead of Dr. Pepper, like I did today.
Ben: I noticed, but I didn't say anything because I assume you are getting water because you want to.
Monica: Well, all I get is negative reinforcement when I get Dr. Pepper, even when I've gotten water the last ten times before getting Dr. Pepper.
Ben:  That's not true.  Negative reinforcement is really positive reinforcement for you when it comes to Dr. Pepper ("and most others things," I thought, but did not say).
Monica: You're right about that.
Ben: What's with you and all this talk about "process"?

I think this stuff would make a good comic strip. Also, I beam with pride when my wife speaks about process, except when she uses it against me. That's it! Our comic strip will be called "Processed Benica," which kind of sounds like a type of deli meat one should avoid putting on sandwiches.

Birthday Present

Monica:  I thought of something perfect for your birthday, and I need to know how much I can spend, because I know if I spend too much, you won't enjoy it.
Ben:  Okay, $50.
Monica:  It is an experience, something we can always remember.
Ben:  Sounds like something you really want to do.  You just want me to keep going up until it meets how much you want to spend.
Monica:  <silence>
Ben:  $150.
Monica:  Deal.
Ben:  I knew I should have started lower.  Just take back that coffee table you bought and that should help.
Monica:  No, that is an investment in our house.

If you carpooled with us every morning, you, too, could be privy to such stimulating conversation everyday. It would be worth the gas money we'd make you pay.

"There is nothing more demoralizing than a small but adequate income." Edmund Wilson

My typing fingers are back by popular demand (i.e. one of my avid readers requested I put the "Friday" back in my Friday blog). Last weekend we drove up to Nashville for a super fun Halloween party. I know everyone has been dying to know what our most original costume idea was (drum role please)... we dressed up as none other than our friend's dogs, Little Mister and Little Sister!

We were a big hit, even though we only took home 2nd prize in the overall costume contest due to a pretty awesome Beetlejuice and Lydia couple. Where's Waldo?

My Office Quote of the Week
This week I asked "Hey good looking guy" how he was doing to which he responded, "My head is above ground, so pretty good." If that isn't a positive attitude, then I don't know what is.

The return of the cocoon. When Ben and I were dating, he and his roommate Austin had a funny habit of sleeping in their sleeping bags on the floor of the living room of their apartment instead of their beds. I saw this as a little odd and simply passed it off as one of those "guy things" I didn't quite understand.

Little did I know that the "cocoon" would become a constant companion to Ben in the winter months throughout our marriage. I've tried everything from complaining about the smell of this hideous green bag to referring to Ben as Linus with his security blanket, but nothing has worked.

What were you for Halloween this year or what has been your favorite Halloween costume of all time? Anyone else out there have a spouse who brought an unwanted item into their marriage that they can't seem to get rid of? Did you ever find Waldo? Enjoy your extra hour of sleep and have a beautiful fall weekend everyone!

"Halloween should be a day where we honor monsters and not be mad at each other."

Did you miss me? I have pretty much been MIA since our Portland adventure, besides that last pondering life/Debbie Downer blog post I snuck in. I guess you could say that we've had the post-vacation blues. You plan and look forward to something for months, then you come back to everyday life. After you've made sure your house hasn't been broken into (is that just us?), pet your beloved dog and watch all the TV shows you DVR'd, you begin to wonder what you have to look forward to. In our case, it's Halloween!

The costume debate of 2010 was a doozy! Since we said our "I do's," there have been several disputes about Halloween costumes including what we should be, whether it should be homemade or prefab, and whether or not we should dress up in the first place. We are both against prefab costumes and the arguing usually commences when I pressure Ben to come up with the perfect costume idea - after all, he's the witty, humorous one.

I spent hours researching the internet for ideas and spouting off ones I liked just to have a grunt here and there from Ben which translates into "no" in man language. In the end, we went with one of Ben's original ideas and we will definitely be in the running for the Most Original Costume award at the party. Tune in next week for pics!

Cali is going raw. Has anyone seen the documentary Raw for 30 Days? We watched it several months ago and really liked the concept. We had a fleeting pipe dream of trying to go raw ourselves, but then we went out for juicy hamburgers and forgot about it. We took the philosophy of all good parents and decided to do something good for our dog that we aren't willing to do for ourselves.

The past 6 months Cali has been suffering from severe allergies and last week we started her on a completely raw diet. It will take awhile to see if this will be the miracle cure, but she LOVES it! It is a little inconvenient having to de-salmonella her dish, the counter tops and our hands at every feeding, but if this works it will totally be worth it!

What do you do to jump start your zeal for life post-vacation? What original Halloween costume ideas have you come up with? Has anyone out there tried a raw diet for themselves or their pets? I leave you with a sneak peak of our family fall photo shoot done by one of our favorite Oklahoma photographers, Mandy Stansberry.

"Many of life's failures are men who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up." Thomas Edison

We are all waiting to be inspired. We were talking to our chiropractor yesterday and he was telling us about a wellness seminar similar to one we had been to previously. Ben jokingly told him that the last one we went to didn't make us change, so why would we go to another one.

I started thinking about how many things we've done and invested in lately to inspire us to change. It all started with one crazy book and an impromptu road trip to Taco Bueno. Ben bought me a nice camera, I trained as a home stager, we were trained in Japanese Reiki, I invested in marketing for my business, Ben is investing in office space to start a private practice, we have read countless books and watched countless movies about this subject, and finally we flew across the country to Portland to go to the Storyline Conference.

In a sense we've come full circle. It has been almost exactly a year since we started making investment after investment to be inspired. Are we living a better story? Are the characters in our story any different than they were a year ago? Have we created inciting incidents? 

If a good story must include conflict, then we are some of the greatest storytellers of all time! We decided not to be on a mission team to Ireland that we were committed to and had trained with for over a year, while on a walk Ben decided that if this was what marriage is then he didn't want it, Ben's truck died and we became a 1-car family, my grandpa passed away, I went from working 40 hrs/wk to 10 hrs/wk nearly cutting our income in half, Ben made a professional decision that would potentially keep us in Memphis for 3 more yrs. Some of these were choices and some of these were just life ...all of them have been incredibly difficult.

What have you invested in the last year to inspire you? If you were reading a book about your life, would your character be exciting? If there's anyone in our family that's living a great story, it's Cali:)

Portland: An Inciting Incident

We just returned from a 5-day trip to Portland, Oregon which is currently weighing heavy on our hearts. I feel like Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire listening to Free Fallin' after having just been fired from his job, pondering the all important question we all ask ourselves at different intervals in our lives, "What now?"

Just as Tom Cruise created an Inciting Incident for himself, our trip to Portland was definitely an inciting incident that we will look back on as the launching point for some big life decisions.

Unfortunately, conflict tends to piggyback change and is ultimately how we grow. It seems much easier to just call it a day, not make any changes and watch more TV. Oh the comfortable lives we live, they are both a blessing and a curse!

I asked Ben today if he thinks he will have to tell our kids someday how their mom is crazy, to which he responded, "You really think I'll have to tell them?" I am usually the one who comes up with the crazy ideas and Ben is the realist who brings me back down to earth. Our goal now is to find a happy medium that we both want and can commit to.

Here's what all we squeezed into our trip in less than 100 words: Mark Spencer Hotel, Little Big Burger, Powell's Books, Kenny and Zuke's, Voodoo Doughnut, Saturday Market, Stumptown Coffee, Nike World Headquarters, Seaside Beach, Cannon Beach, Jake's Famous Crawfish, Eagle Creek Trail, Multnomah Falls, The Storyline Seminar held at the Gerding Theater at the Armory, Henry's Tavern, test screening of independent film Sironia at Living Room Theaters, Clyde Common, city view at Portland City Grill, Columbia Employee Outlet Store... WHEW!

We also met a wonderful couple named Matt and Laura Corbin who were nice enough to take us hiking, show us around Portland and have us over for an amazing dinner in their home.

One of my best friends from college and her husband (Christel and Sam) who live in Houston also joined us on the trip. It's probably a rare thing that you have the opportunity to share a hotel room and put your make-up on with your college roommate several years down the road and we loved sharing this experience with them!

The Great Northwest Awaits

We're headed up to Portland tomorrow for a little vacation in conjunction with Donald Miller's Living a Better Story Seminar.  His book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years was/is a life-changer for us.  We decided part of our story would include this trip to Portland as an investment in our lives.  Plus, it's Portland, hello!

I was joking with Monica the other day because after being inspired by Don's book, we had some real excitement about a new story; however, as the inspiration dwindled and time moved on, we started a new story called "How to Try Without Really Succeeding."  It's like we have these ideas and want to live better stories, but our efforts just lead to more of the same.  And yet, sometimes the conflict to overcome in a story is self-sabotage...

In fact, as the saying should go, the more things stay the same, the more they change [in order to stay the same]. 

It's amazing what we will do to survive, yet what we are willing to endure not to suceed.

Fallin' for Fall
Last weekend when I got my last pedicure of the season with my sis-in-law, I realized how excited I am about fall! This summer during the weeks of 100+ degree weather, I daydreamed about wearing cute scarves, brisk cool mornings and taking walks with Ben and Cali without almost passing out. Ben is excited about making crock pot stew and chili. Is there anywhere in the world that has fall-like weather year round? If so, sign me up!

Is Entrepreneurship a Trend?
I've noticed in a lot of movies lately the lead actor/actress owns their own business. In Love Happens, Burke is a motivational speaker and Eloise owns a flower shop. In The Back-up Plan, Stan takes over his parent's goat farm/cheese manufacturing company and Zoe owns a pet shop. The list goes on and on and in every case it seems simple enough to be a successful small business owner.

Hollywood has fooled us once again my friends because I am here to tell you that it is not so simple! There are days that I wonder if anyone in this world will ever actually pay me to do what I want to do. Yesterday was one of those days and Ben promptly took me to Memphis Pizza Cafe (while scoring some major husband points!). I know, I know, it's the journey not the destination blah, blah, blah. I'm just having a tough time seeing the big picture where all of this is going to work out and I can be a happy, carefree business owner like Eloise or Zoe.

What Inspires You?
Another way to phrase this is "What gives you energy?" For me personally, it can be as simple as doing a mini room makeover or adding a few splashes of fall decorations to our home. I love buying fresh flowers and planning our weekly menu around fresh veggies we pick up at the Farmer's Market.

I like to entertain and to set our table with fun centerpieces and napkins. Organization is my middle name and I can't be much happier after tackling a disorganized drawer or closet. Traveling, ahhh traveling - experiencing new things, smells, cultures. Sleeping in, cuddling with Ben while watching a movie, listening to the rain...

What are your favorite things about fall? Is being a small business owner only for fictional Hollywood characters? What everyday things give you inspiration?

Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it. ~Gandhi

"Benica the Tool Men" Thompsons
I have been on the verge of "going ape on our house" for awhile now in the form of home improvement projects. I've held off using everything from the weather to being addicted to HGTV where I watch OTHER people do home improvement projects as excuses. Today I took a big step and started the prep work for fixing the giant crack in our living room ceiling (of course while watching HGTV ...baby steps!). Ben has joked for awhile that when it's time to sell our house that we'll be able to sell it as a duplex, so I thought this was a good place to start.

Friends are Friends Forever
This week was probably one of the most emotional weeks of my life! We said goodbye to two of our bestest friends in this world, Craig and Merschon. As Ben said, they have been some major players in our lives and have been a part of our story ever since we arrived in Memphis almost exactly 6 yrs. ago. We were able to spend a lot of time with them last week reminiscing and telling each other all the things we love about each other.

This was not just a goodbye, but also a huge blow to my heart that we are not going to Dublin to be missionaries on the team with them. We are super excited to see how God works through them in Ireland!

Happy Anniversary to b and m
We also celebrated our (drum role please) ...7 year anniversary! Not too much to report. There were surprise flowers, a nice lunch and dinner and two Hallmark cards purchased that were never filled out because we got into our traditional "big days are too much pressure and we eventually argue" moods.

We have a trip planned to Portland in September that was supposed to be a belated anniversary trip, but now I'm going to say that it has nothing to do with our anniversary so it won't suck. Thankfully, the day after our anniversary we were back to normal and liked each other again. One thing that has kept us smiling in our marriage is Ben's humor. The pic below shows what happened when I dragged Ben to Michaels one day - gotta love that guy!

Anyone have any big fall home improvement projects planned? How do you stay motivated to accomplish said projects? Are there any other couples out there that suffer from "anniversary paralysis" when it comes to making that day perfect? We'd love to hear your feedback!

"And may my love travel with you everywhere Yeah may my love travel with you always." TP

Workaholics Anonymous 
I sit here at Panera alone this Saturday morning while Ben entertains 4 ladies at our house. You heard that right, the past several weeks I've lost Ben to these women because they have had meeting after meeting after meeting. They are the other therapists that Ben is partnering with to share office space for his private practice. Of course, this may be nothing compared to the night and weekend hours he will spend apart from me when he starts seeing clients.

We have somehow managed throughout the course of our marriage not to become workaholics. Unfortunately, it seems inevitable that, to take that leap of faith we've both committed to in pursuing careers out of who we are, this may have to be a chapter in our story. Ben will soon be balancing working a full-time job with starting a private practice. Someday, I will be balancing having a home staging business with being a full-time mom.

Ultimately, our goal is to both be working part-time with full-time incomes because we are so awesome at what we do. Then we will both be able to play a big part in raising our future children (ScreamFree, of course).

My New Goal
This may sound silly, but I've been thinking a lot lately about how much I admire people who seem truly happy and content about where they are. It seems that in life we are constantly looking forward to the next step... kindergarten, junior high, high school, turning 16, college, turning 21, finishing school, starting a career, getting married, buying a house, getting a puppy, having kids, getting those kids out of the house, becoming a grandparent, retiring, traveling.

I think I tend to miss out on the good stuff because I'm so anxious about the next step. I want to love the city and house I live in, the number in my bank account, the things I have, the mistakes I'm making and learning from, the point I'm at in my faith, and the people I share life with right now.

Dud
That would be an accurate description of the early anniversary present I gave Ben yesterday. I had this brilliant idea when looking for a gift for Ben on the internet last week that I would give him a piece of art and that could become a tradition (I heart traditions by the way!). The problem was that I may have chosen a piece of art that was a lot more me than him. He likes it, but you could see in his eyes that he saw this as an "excuse" for me to get something that I really wanted. Back to the drawing board I suppose...

I can honestly say that this past year of marriage with Ben has been the toughest yet. We both grew and challenged ourselves, and in doing so our marriage, more than ever before! We stopped being content in life and took leaps of faith.

I can also say with absolute certainty that Monday when we celebrate 7 yrs. together that I love and want this man on a level I never thought possible. Every single day he challenges me with his thoughts, his actions, and of course his humor. When I said "I do" I had no idea the adventures in life we would share. I love where we are right now and where we're going. I love you, Ben. Happy Anniversary, baby!

A Funny Story and Quick Update...

Ben-1, Monica-0
This Memphis summer has been sweltering to say the least! Several nights right before bed, Ben and I have debated about whether the ceiling fan in our bedroom was rotating the right way because we could hardly feel any air blowing. A couple of those times Ben suggested that these ceiling fan air filters I put on the top of the fan blades may be causing the problem. I, being the self confident wife that I am, scoffed at this idea - I mean why would they even be allowed to sell such a thing if that were the case?!

Last week, as I was about to enter my usual hot sleep coma and was too tired to protest, Ben took off the air filters and WALA! Magically the fan became like Ooook-lahoma, where the wind comes sweepin' down the plain! We have enjoyed sleeping in much cooler conditions and Ben has enjoyed rubbing it in my face that he was right. I have to give him one every now and then.

411
What have we been up to you may ask? What HAVEN'T we been up to is the more appropriate question. I have been on road trips to Hot Springs, Springfield and Nashville within a 2 week span. I celebrated my big birthday with friends and family and Tom Petty was very excited to see us at his concert in Nashville! I will leave you with a couple of pics from the concert and with the anticipation of the return of my regularly scheduled Friday blog this Friday...

Epic 3-Day Battle with the Lawn Mower

I don't have the greatest history with yard equipment. The fight is usually not pretty and does not usually end well. At some point there is a comical scene where I end up hurting myself trying to show the yard equipment who's boss.

So, when the lawn mower quit starting on Monday, I knew it would be another battle in the war on lawn equipment...

Monday, I pulled and pulled on the rope with the handle that is just a little too small for an average human hand. After pushing the primer bubble 10x more than needed, the thing still wouldn't start. In my frustration I put the mower back in the shed and proceeded to slam the door shut. <SNAP> ...the force broke the handle off the shed door. Lawn equipment 1, Ben 0.

Tuesday, I let all the excess gas drain from the over priming on Monday and proceeded to try to start it again. No luck. Beat the learning curve, Ben, you can do it! I stopped trying to start it and took the air filter off the mower and it was caked in 6 years of oily, gassy gunk. I cleaned it and tried to start the mower again...nothing. Moving up on the evolutionary scale exponentially at this point, I went to Home Depot and bought a new air filter and read on the package, "Replace this every 3 months or every 25 hours of operation." Whoops! Hoping this would be the salvation, the turning point of the war, my Saratoga, I installed it. Victory! The mower started for 30 seconds and then died, even with an oil change. Mower 2, Ben .5 points for not hurting myself or breaking anything.

Wednesday: Thinking back to Home Depot, I knew I had to go back like Jack Shephard knew he had to go back to the island. I had to get a spark plug, especially after seeing how burned up the one was that I pulled off the mower. Spark plug replaced, engine primed, cord pulled...BLAST OFF! Battle won! This thing purred like a cat that just figured out how to receive love without having to give any back.

On another note I must admit that this mower has not been running well for 4 years. Rather than doing anything about it, I just figured each mow might be its last. Like a good American consumer, I thought, "I'll just buy a new one when this piece of junk dies" (albeit, due to my neglect of oil changes, spark plugs, and air filters). I was not motivated to do anything to take care of it until it didn't work anymore, but I had plenty of motivation to complain about its quality along the way. Isn't that life for so many of us? It's not much of one, that's for sure!

Friday Blog Susbstitute--The One Call Resolution

So, I am guessing with Monica's awesome birthday entry, that she would take the day off from blogging. I could be wrong, but I'm going to go ahead and not ask her. Oh, that just happens to be what I am going to write about today.

I have observed the One Call Resolution lately. The One Call Resolution is a term I use to describe those things that you don't know, but could know by making one phone call. I guess you could also use email and face-to-face conversations as well. I think the fewer degrees of separation between you and your answer, the weaker your excuses are about why you don't have that answer.

For instance, we want a second car. I need to make one call to the local credit union to see how we can get a loan and for how much. I've known this for a long time, but continue to make excuses about not knowing if we can afford a car. Based on the Resolution principle, my excuses about not getting the answer are exceptionally week because there is only one degree of separation here.

Why do we keep putting off things we could know by making a simple call? If we apply this idea to the relational aspects of our lives, it seems to make more sense.  I mean how often have I assumed somebody thought or said something about me, but I never made a call to find out if it was true? How many times have I thought, "I wonder what so and so meant when they said such and such?"  Why is it harder to make a call than it is to complain about how I don't know know what is going on?

This seems like one of those things I should blame on Satan! He/she/it seem to get all the credit for emotion and anxiety these days!

And that, my friends, is what I call a blog comment squasher! Have a great weekend!

What's in a Birthday?

Here I sit on my 30th (that's right, I admit it with pride) birthday treating myself to a bday bagel at Panera. Some might say that I make too big a deal out of my birthday and that it is a classic case of "oldest child" syndrome. I am one of the only people in our group of friends that still has a bday party year after year. It's like as we get older, we're supposed to feel less special on this day. I break all the rules and relish in feeling special and loved and able to do anything I want!

A good friend asked me last night, if I thought back when I turned 20, who I thought I would be and what I would be doing by the time I turned 30. In the summer of '00, I was about to be a junior in college and was preparing to go on a study abroad program that fall semester. Oh the things I learned on that trip and how it changed the course of my life! I had done very little traveling prior to that and then somehow by experiencing different cultures and realizing just how big this world is, it became a part of me. Since then I have continued to add stamps to my passport and have made it a priority.

At our families going away dinner for Pac Rim, the speaker told our parents to look around the room because he said it was very possible that their future son or daughter-in-law were there. That ended up being the case for us because it was that fall that Ben and I first met. About a week into the trip at the Summer Palace in Beijing, Ben and I went under a bridge together in a boat that we were told by our tour guide had a legend that whoever went under the bridge would be married someday. What an amazing man I have been blessed to share life with these past 10 yrs!

Finally, I think of how confused I was entering my junior year of college still not having declared a major. My degree and the knowledge I obtained during those years was great, but the life experiences and people I met helped shape who I am today to the core. I have had several careers since then and have learned things about myself in all of them. I don't know back then if I would have ever dreamed I would be 30 and own my own business, but here I am doing a job out of who I am and my gifts.

Throughout my story of travel, love and career I am feeling beyond blessed on this, my birth day!

Wanting a Better Marrriage Story, Take 1

In a turning point of our marriage, I had a forbidden thought for a married Christian man and summoned the courage to say it out loud:

“If this is how our marriage is going to be, then I'm not sure I want it.”

Expecting my wife to respond with the fury of God Almighty, she surprised me by thinking about it calmly on the outside, although I had offended her on the inside, she later told me. By the end of our walk, however, we decided to have the marriage we never wanted because we were too busy needing it. In other words, we wanted a better marriage story, because this script sucked.

Marriage is hard when it is about meeting each other's emotional needs and striving for an unrealistic compatibility--I've tried and I've just ended up losing myself trying to be someone I'm not. The result is always two needy people. If marriage is about meeting needs, then I will make sure I have needs my wife needs to meet. If all our previous efforts to be more fulfilled by the other failed, then we had a choice: we could either spend the rest of our lives in a story similar to that of a carousal horse, or we could live something that doesn't spend forever going in circles with the fear that a fat kid will sit on us.

In the next year, we plan to do two things. The first is to live our own separate lives creating stories that don't fully depend on the other. We are committed to supporting each other without functioning for each other because we found that getting over-involved with the other person's story always makes the over-involved one the conflict to overcome in that story.

I would rather not be the conflict that Monica needs to overcome to achieve her goals. It would be much nicer to be her husband.

As a result, on a career level, we are both starting new businesses that play to our God-given, life-developed strengths--Monica as a Professional Home Stager, and Ben as a Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice. One tiny vow we've already made to each other is this: "I, insert name, will not tell you how to run your business or do your job."

The second thing we plan to do is to preach the good news of living a better marriage story. We don't know exactly what this looks like and don't want to tie ourselves down to a definite plan, but this message is beating in our hearts right now. All we know is that wanting our marriage is so much better than needing it! A story worth living is a story worth talking about, so our first goal is to live more fully by taking risks and seeing challenges in marriage where we used to just see roadblocks. We've filled up white erase boards with our story and our ideas to impact others with it. In Portland at Don Miller's seminar, we hope to experience new ideas and thoughts to impact our stories even more; plus, we also want to go to the Saturday market...

At this point I read the rules for the Don Miller "Living a Better Story Contest" and realized I needed to be a bit more specific and that it was way too long! However, I loved what I wrote so far and thought I would post it.